4 most deadliest creatures that can fit in your pants

I've always hated insects. When I was in primary, high school, I hated insects. Ever since I could remember, I hated insects. I'm sure I even hated insects when I was in my mother's womb. I hate everything about it. But some of them are so horrifying, I'll lose my balls if i happen to stumble upon one. What the fuck is that?

Paraponera Clavata aka Bullet Ant

Why you must fear it?

It's practically the size of your penis, if you give it a chance to grow. It lives in trees and thus can and will fall on you to scare you away from its hive--the one you didn't know was there, because it's in a fucking tree. Before it does this, it shrieks at you. This ant, you see, can shriek.

It's called a Bullet Ant because its 'unusually severe' sting feels like somebody pulled the trigger and sink a bullet in you. On the Schmidt Sting Index, Bullet Ants rate as the number one most painful in the entirety of the Kingdom Arthropoda. How painful? It's more like a try-not-to-shit-your-intestines out kind of pain.
Also--and I do feel the need to stress this--they fucking shriek at you before they attack.

Advice?

If you happen to spot one crawling around your friend's back, consider yourself lucky that it didn't fall on you. Don't even take a second to think. Run as fast as you can. Forget about Benjamin, or Betsy, or whoever his/her name was. Cause they're certainly dead. Because you can be assure that hundreds of those shitheads would surely drop on him/her and it won't stop until they turn into a skeleton.

Betsy : HEYY~~ Remember me? From the jungle hike? Remember? We kinda made out?

What the fuck is that?

The Golden Dart Frog

Why you must fear it?

If you're planning any hikes in the jungle in the near future, you might come across this little demon. It only Weighs about an ounce and reaching the impressive size of one inch. If you missed your high school biology class on brightly colored animals, then chances are you did pick up the frog. Unfortunately for you, their skin is covered in enough poison to kill twenty fully grown human beings. It will kill you right on the fuckin spot if you did fuck with it.
The Golden Dart Frog's poisonous skin is nothing new to the people of Colombia. Tribesmen have been wiping the tips of their darts on these amphibians for centuries, utilizing the toxins as a weapon and, thus, providing the modern name for these little bastards. You can catch one of these shitheads in that movie Apolacypto or was it Apocalypse? I don't know who gives a fuck.

Advice?

Extensive research via wikipedia yielded this result:
"Currently no effective antidote exists for the treatment of batrachotoxin poisoning."
So unless you're an idiot, stay the fuck away.

What the fuck is that?

Americanized honey bee (Apis mellifera Scutellata)

Why you must fear it?

These bees are physically the same as any other ordinary european bees. So you can't tell the difference. You can, however, easily tell the difference based on their behavior. Regular bees will give you about nine seconds of being too close to the hive before deciding you're a threat and then attacking you. So it's pretty easy to just walk past them without any screams. And if you do get them after you, they'll consider you to be 'chased off' after about 300 feet.

Africanized bees don't roll this way. They'll probably give you half a second before they consider to fuck your shit up. completely. The entire hives will be after you. Including the queen. When you run, flailing and screaming "YA ALLAH! im covered in bees!" they will still chase you over half a mile.

Advice?
None. I don't even think you'd have time to find any close-by lakes you can jump into. Even if there is, the crocodiles would probably eat you. Africanized bees owe their existence to science. Warwick E. Kerr created them in Brazil during the 1950s by crossing a European bee with an African bee. He wanted a bee that could live in the jungle. He got a bee that swarms by the hundreds of millions, is insanely territorial, mindlessly aggressive, has killed anywhere from a few dozen to a few thousand people. And, can live in the jungle.
And after they escaped and swarmed northward, it turned out they were a-OK with deserts, too. They'll be in Brunei by 2010. Hopefully not.

What the fuck is that?

Blue- Ringed Octopus

Why you must fear it?

If you're looking for that pants-shitting near-death experience, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up. Boy, you're screwed.
Luck is not on your side today.

The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.

You don't need to point . We see it.

Advice?

Well, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.
But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."

(6,543,234 people are now aware of the dangers of being in a close proximity with these creatures)

TV shows i'd rather gargle George Clooney's dick than watch.

I've decided that TV is full of crap. You know something's wrong with people when shows like 24 and The Hill get high ratings. Shows that make me want to puke. The following shows in particular give me a sudden obsession over gargling George Clooney's salty dick :

The biggest loser : One of the worst shows on TV. Just once I'd like to see that asshole Bob Harper admit that he hates fat people and just enjoys watching them struggle in the gym. And that hag Jilian.. everything about her screams shitty.



Don't let the feminine smile and the breast fool you. She's actually a man!



The Ellen Degeneres Show : One word -- obnoxious. Degeneres has been, and always will be a hack. She tries so hard to look like a loud, on-the-edge comedian, but in the end she's just loud. Her voice makes my skin crawl, I can't imagine why anyone would watch her coma-inducing show.. bottom line: who cares? Such a pretentious bitch. Don't you just wish she had a crotch you can kick?

Wipeout : The ultimate show for all you wankers.

Everybody loves Raymond : Nobody cares what Raymond and his gay-ass brother who is trying so hard to be the centre of attention has to say. Everybody love Raymond.. please.. I don't love raymond. In fact, i hate Raymond so much, I asked my mother whether I could cancel our subscription to Star World. Saves us from paying for shitty shows like this. What a joke.

There's more, but who cares?


(8,912,678 people cancelled their subscription to Star World)

You're fuckin fat. Cover up!

(I apologize, the visible thong supporting her ass up might be a little too extreme.)

I'm tired of seeing fat women exposing their flabby-lards as they lumber along in Gadong, or any other place! Its gross and certainly it's a boner killer that doesn't take more than a second to completely kill your erection. There was a time when my friends and I went to McDonalds to eat, enjoying my Spicy Chicken Mcdeluxe with fries which actually tasted like a salt mine (they should do something about the fries) when along came this lardass woman with her typical army-styled boyfriend parading around in her skimpy outfit. It made me impotent for weeks! I literally felt my penis imploded. I stood up so I could get a clear shot of her. The chicken burger I had in my hand that time slipped between the buns and fell out, and I definitely felt like I was about to barf.

I don't get it; I suppose it's this whole 'acceptance' thing. That all women are beautiful and that having a gut looks cute. Duuude, its fucking nauseating! and here's what I think of your cute flabby gut





If you don't have the curve for it, then why wear a tiny tank top with super tight jeans that accentuates your insane flabs? I know its a trendy thing to look like Megan Foxx because you're all brainwashed by the media or E! News for this sake. And I know you have that stupid mentality where "I shouldn't be afraid to do what I want" or "Who cares what they all think" kind of thing. But quit wearing this shit. Buy normal clothes that actually covers the number of fats you got piled up on your gut.


Look at how happy these couples are. That's because they have the decency to cover up and do something about that fat lard hanging and jiggling about! The middle one are just homo.


Nobody cares about you. Nobody thinks you're hot. Take my advice : You ain't gonna get laid by exposing your tummy. Your only chance is to make full use of your sweet personality. That is, if you have one. You might just be a bigger slut who had your mind droned (using the word 'mind' here loosely) thinking your manager bosses you around because he wants to get under your pants. Get some decency in you to get your ass up to a fitness centre. Break that sweat (make sure no kids are around, terrible thing for them to see) then probably you'll stand a chance.


(7,852,231 fat chicks took my advice and got laid for the first time)

You're not Russell Peters, and you're not funny

You know what's gay? When people take catch phrases from funny movies, television shows, and comedians, then they repeat them in their best impression, regardless of their awkward accent, gender or lack of comedic timing. I can't get enough of it. My favorite example of this comes from a skit on "Russell Peter's video," in which Russell Peter made fun of how awful India smells like.

The popular phrase from this skit is when Russell says "Shit and go! Shit and go! Go! Go! Go!" Now everyone from fat dota nerds to pimply faced high school kids around the world repeat this phrase every chance they get, giggling spastically every time one of them says it in their crackling pre-pubescent voice. There are only a couple of people who can make this magic happen. Khairul and Ibrahim. These guys can imitate any shit in the planet.




The results were surprising: the graph above suggests that 6,597,345,162 out of every 6,597,345,161 people in the world are not Russell Peters, and therefore should shut the hell up. Listen assholes, it's really funny when Russell Peters said it, but you on the other hand makes it sound like a tub of walrus on top of a pathetic asshole who doesn't know what he did in his pitiful life to deserve this




It's not funny, alright? I'm tired of people adopting speech patterns, catch phrases, and their entire personalities from movies. When Mean Girls came out, you can hear every bitch I know doing their worst impression of making themselves act like one. It's not cool and being called a total slut wouldn't cut you a big time unless you're a prostitute. You can still hear it echoed by smug school girls who try to compensate for their lack of personality and any resemblance of wit by chanting this mantra so maybe you won't notice that they're lying whores. I hope you choke.


3,456,789 people still think they're funny by ruining the phrase "Shit and Go! Go GO GO!"

Nobody gives a rat's ass about swine flu

If you've spent more than a few minutes worrying about swine flu, you are an idiot. That's because it doesn't take a few minutes for you to look up the mortality rate, symptoms and treatment to realise that it doesn't have any difference than a normal flu. For those of you who are not convinced that swine flu is bullshit, here's a list of symptoms of swine flu vs a normal flu :-



See no difference? Because there isn't any, Assholes. Stop worrying about it.

When the pandemic was still hot (thanks to the media who knows dickward about swine flu) The Ministry of Health made every god damn schools, universities in this country to have unnecessary temperature check before you can walk your sorry ass to your registration class. Nobody gives a fuck! Certainly I didn't. Why worry? Cowards worry and there is a 100% overlap between people who worry and people who occasionally make cowardly decisions. Stop being a scared pussy all the time. You'll cross the bridge of death when you get to it. Stop being a cow. Live your life! People were dying for the vaccine when it first spread; rendering this non-issue even more irrelevant. Who gives a fuck about the vaccine if you have immune system. I have never gotten sick in my life. My immune system is so strong that I have to get a heart disease just to be normal.

I just torn a local newspaper for still putting up the "H1N1 status" eventhough the number of cases says zero.



And I thought I was a dick.

Bitchy pompous 13-year old cousin: But General Dickward (that's me), What about the 12-year old girl who died from swine flu? If we don't have to worry about swine flu, why did she die in the first place?

Here's what it reads : first death for the Influenza A H1N1 of a 12-year old girl on Thursday, 2 July 2009. The deceased, who has been critically ill since 26 June 2009, was suffering from Auto-Immune Hepatitis, End-stage liver failure and Pneumonia. Lab tests conducted on Thursday morning showed that she was also tested positive for Influenza A H1N1.

It warms my heart when my 13-year old cousin actually pointed this out while she giggled and put her hands up her mouth, as if to say "oops! im cute". No bitch, you're not cute. Stop being a pretentious bitch. I don't know what they teach kids in school nowadays but you're certainly stupid. First of all, the deceased was :-

1) Critically ill.

2) Suffering from auto-immune hepatitis. (I suppose this caused the liver failure).

3) Suffering from pneunomia. (means she's been infected with bacteria, fungi and all sorts of microscopic shits that would cause you to look as old as your grandmother).

Didn't it ever occur to your little innocent mind that she might've died from these other serious disease? No? Damn-fuckin right.

Hopeless kid : General Dickward, what should I be worrying about if cases like swine flu isn't a big deal anymore?

Here are a list of things that are a higher priority to worry about :-

1) Dying alone
2) Caught masturbating
3) Settling for a shitty job
4) arranged marriage ( or getting married)

Just to be clear, not getting married isn't a problem, getting married is. Most people, due to fears of dying alone, will marry some jackass because they think nothing better will come along. They're usually right. But even if you find someone who isn't a total cock, marrying them will ruin everything because marriage is a false institution, and a waste of time and money. Cancel that big wedding party and buy a house, dipshits! Nobody wants to go to wedding parties. Besides, big gatherings lend themselves to communicable diseases. Holy shit that was a sweet transition.

(5,678,900 swine flu victims want to kill me.)